In my day job, I work 40+ hours a week leading program management and related functions, however, I am better known as “mom” (amongst several other hats, that being the one I am most proud of). For that reason, I have felt compelled to share some of my story and in particular some of the struggles I faced early on as a parent, and how my work life was influenced by that.
I named this blog “Before and After”:
Because I find that my perspective is often different when I am waiting for something to happen and then after it happens
My life was so much different when I started working to where it is now
Because it’s my favorite puzzle on Wheel of Fortune (I realize that may sound a bit lame, but my family watches it almost every evening!)
The “Before”
I have been working at my job now for a whopping 22.5 years (which I just realized is over half of my life)! I started in an entry level position on the phones while taking college classes and intended for this to just be a “job”, which has now turned into a career and a very meaningful part of my life. It is not my whole life though (as it felt at one point), and balancing that along with a family and so many other priorities is not always easy, as I am sure you know.
I will share a small piece of my testimony. I’m married and have two boys (the lights of my life). When they were only four and one, my husband and I divorced. After six long years , through faith and a miraculous set of events, we remarried when the boys were ten and seven. Going through that experience really shaped my decisions in what I value most and how I spend my time.
Before, when my boys were smaller, we had soooo much going on. Every night included some type of activity: baseball, football, basketball, wrestling, scouting, Chick-Fil-A night, skate night — just to name a few. Most days came with a sprinkling of messes to clean up, temper tantrums, and extreme dependence on me for just about everything. As much as I adored watching them grow up through that time period, there were times when I would think about “fast-forwarding” to the next stage when they would be just a bit more independent and things would be “easier.”
When my boys finally got tucked in each night and I had a minute to breathe, I could have spent that time relaxing but instead, I worked. I think it was my outlet for keeping my mind off of the challenges in my personal life. It gave me a feeling of self-worth, as I felt like I was decent at doing what I did at work, much more so than trying to figure out how to be a great parent (which is both the most important and the most challenging part of my life).
The “After”
A few years passed, I literally blinked... and my boys are now teenagers! They are now WAY too independent in many ways, and if you asked them, they don’t rely on me for anything. I want to cook them dinner, go places with them, and just hang out, but their busy social lives and full schedules of work and activities don’t allow for it all the time (and hanging out with mom isn’t always “cool”). Now, there are so many times that I want to “rewind” or even just “pause” but it isn’t an option. I have accepted that they are growing into young men - and awesome ones at that.
After all is said and done, I don’t know that I would’ve changed anything if I had to do it over. I believe that our trials lead to growth and improvements in our life that we might not have realized. But, I have made some rules for myself over the years that I find to be helpful for me:
I don’t log back in at night anymore. It has to be something really important for me to log into a meeting after hours or log in once I have logged out. Most things can wait until the next day and nobody will get hurt. I do work early in the morning which allows me to leverage the time that everybody is asleep and have my “heads down time” at work, while also building in extra time so I have flexibility when I need it but most importantly to ensure I am logged off to start the evening with them. This allows me to do basic things like cook dinner and just hang out with my kids (for the moments in which they are willing to spend time with me now). I will say, this schedule happens to work for me, but that doesn’t mean it will work for you. Logging in at night might be most convenient for you and if it works best for your life circumstances, you should feel empowered to do so!
I own my calendar. Many years ago, I had to ask to build my schedule around my personal needs, and did so to allow me to pick up the boys early to spend the afternoons with them, attend school events, ball games etc. I know all jobs may not have the same flexibility, but I have found that in most cases, if you share the need with your leadership, there is almost always a way to meet the needs for both yourself and the business. And, I don’t need to accept every invite and participate in everything! Sometimes just having an open calendar is the best thing I can do and people understand that you can’t be everything to everybody, everywhere. As much as I want to help, my kids are more important.
I don’t feel guilty or question myself. I used to because I would leave work and many of my peers were still there. My circumstances may be different than theirs and the time I have with my family should be prioritized above their opinion. I am a hard worker and know that I get more than my hours in. There is no need to feel guilty! A previous awesome boss and mentor of mine, Paul Gilman, used to always say “perfection is the enemy of good enough.” And I try to keep that in mind with everything I do. I have stopped second guessing myself and the decisions I make — even if I see people who are smarter, at a higher level, more successful, etc. make different decisions.
My "rules” work for me but may not work for you. Whatever does, I suggest you define that and do your best to stick to it! If there’s anything that I have learned during my time on this planet, it’s that time moves by quickly and we have to be intentional in how we spend it. It’s never that we don’t have enough time, it’s that we have to make the best choices in how we spend what we have.
All we can do is be the best that we can be and try to be a bit better each day!
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