I am so blessed to celebrate my 8th wedding anniversary with Fred today, or.. it would actually be 22 years this year (if I add together the first time we were married). Yes, I remarried my ex-husband!
That may not be a super uncommon thing, but I had never heard of it happening until it happened to me. There is a big part of my testimony tied to that difficult time in my life, and many things that we could have done differently, but I am so thankful that we are together as a family again. I can go down the list of things I have learned you should do to nurture a healthy marriage. I will be the first to say that I should certainly be one to know what NOT to do.
You may already know the story if you have read my book, but my failure at marriage the first time (which resulted to us being divorced for six long years) was in large part one that I own as I was not always respectful. I wanted to control the situation, whatever it was, and have things my way.
I will share some advice with those of you that may be new wives, or may be struggling in your marriages; particularly for those that might be go-getter, hard working, run the show type women (like me). At the end of the day, it comes down to one word - respect.
There is a reason why Aretha made a whole song about it!! It is the #1 most important thing that as a wife, we can give our husbands and in turn, they will reciprocate and be the man we want them to be. They were made this way - to require respect, and nothing works if it is missing. It won’t happen overnight, but is a foundational component.
There is a bible verse in that references the need to “submit to your husband”. I laughed when I first read it years ago as I figured it only referred to those wives back in the “old days” - certainly not to women leaders.. those capable, strong women who are more than equipped to handle things on their own. Why would I need to “submit” to my husband, or anyone for that matter? I can hold my own.. and don’t need to answer to anyone!
Boy, was I wrong.....
Could I manage on my own? Yes, very likely so, and I did for many years. Would I be happy? Nope.
To be happy, I need to submit to God and respect my husband. That is the way God designed it and it’s amazing how well life can work when you simply live by His guidance (for marriage, and any other topic). And although a man’s primary need is to be respected, they have to love, and respect, us too! Which they will want to do...if in fact they feel respected.
I recently read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle which I highly recommend if you haven’t read it. It really reinforces this point and the excerpt below explains it well.
I will give you one primary example - gift giving. This used to be a major point of frustration for both of us - see here:
Pre-divorce
Him - “Gift giving is such a chore, and it isn’t necessary. They (whoever they are) make holidays like Valentine’s Day just to make money and make it harder on husbands. Nothing I can buy will please you! Why don’t you just tell me what you want?”
Me - “If you really loved me you would want to give me gifts! I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want - you should keep track of every thing I mention if you really care. You shouldn’t need a holiday to want to give me a gift.”
This is clearly one of my love languages that wasn’t being met, and it was because I was attempting (and failing miserably) to control the situation.
Post-divorce
He looks forward to holidays and plans well in advance. His has great taste and is the best gift giver I know. I would never have thought it could be this way in a million years.
The difference?
He wants to do things to make me happy because I respect him. I stopped nagging about it and we had an honest conversation one day, which led to an improved situation.
In addition to respect, the second very important word I would mention here is forgiveness. To truly forgive, it takes humbling yourself to realize your own failures in the situation and also letting the past be the past, and never mentioning it again. That is a story for another blog!
Things aren’t perfect. There will always be problems. How you work through them is what can make or break a marriage. I will leave you with this link to a great devotional I read on bullet proof marriages. I really can’t stop learning more about this stuff as I will continue to focus on growing in my faith and to be the best wife I can be.
I wish you the very best in your marriage or relationship!
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